Who are you now, witch?

A continuation of my previous post "Stuck in the Liminal" And I claw my way to the surface Blackened nail beds finally finding purchase Letting out a battle cry, as tears are streaming from my face I have finally made it to the other side

I lay upon the ground gasping for air

I am overcome with feelings of relief, but also despair

Because I ache, I don’t feel free from the tunnels
My body carries battle scars, I could still break

I finally take a moment to look around
There is nothing, but mist, there is not a sound

I have found myself again, in another liminal space

A different journey of healing is about to begin

----- What many don't tell you about the journey of recovery from illness (and I'm sure also a myriad of other things), is that when you finally make it to the other side, it is far from over. From disassociation...to dealing with the fall out of not being part of the world for so long, it is a whole different journey, but still one of recovery.

The pain that took up purchase in my body is not completely gone, it still gnaws at me. Little things setting off flares of pain like fireworks across my body, BUT I am far, far from where I once was. Because now, I find myself wanting to live again. Breathe again. I actually find myself thinking that, "yeah, maybe I am looking forward to tomorrow." I take these feelings and bottle them up like blessings. They feel like little gifts and treasures that I want to hoard like a dragon because I don't know what the keepers of time and fate have prepared for me in the future. I am, after all, a bearer of the knowledge of how fast things can change.

While I was going through the tunnels of change and transformation (something romanticized and turned into a fairytale by many, but really shouldn't be), the world kept moving on without me. I was seemingly stuck in this horrible time loop of waking up to pain and falling to sleep with it. It was like an abusive partner I never asked for nor desired. One that slept between me and my wife and clawed at my skin/body like an unwanted companion throughout my days. It was one that kept me from friends, opportunities, beloved projects, and so many other dear things I took joy and pride in. It made sure every. single. day. was a snapshot of the last. While now, this companion only lurks in the corners of my mind...I am finally seeing how far behind I am from escaping it's stronger grasp.

Stay with me now, I promise this is not a story of woe.

I have kind of "reawakened" to a new world that I don't quite know, it feels so alien to me somedays. So as anyone would, after a period of being away, I have found myself trying to slip into my old routines and aspirations like a pair of jeans from high school that will never, ever fit again. It just doesn't work anymore. Everything has changed. Just like my high school body to the body I have now...that is almost middle aged (it's 40 right?), has given birth to a child complete with a now Venus tummy, went through surgeries, and now a long period of illness. I (now) know that it isn't going to look the same. My life went through a metamorphous last year. One that I'm still trying to understand and get used to. One thing that comforts me about this is the thought that a caterpillar (delightfully plump from all the leaves it’s eaten) must be quite shocked to find that, after being tucked away for a time, it awakens with a completely different body, wings, and no appetite for the very leaves it once enjoyed in such abundance.

As scary of a change it had to be for our dear caterpillar, it is now a butterfly. An important and crucial part of our ecosystem, to the health of our world. It just needs to find a way to live as this new creature. In this new world of sky and flowers. So, yes, I am still in a betwixt and between liminal state, where pain still lives in my body, but not taking up as much space. Where I feel lost in this new, ever changing world, but at the same time, I am excited to explore this new version of me and what she desires for her future.

This new life, the one after going through a metaphorical death, is one that is filled with so many possibilities. Different doesn't mean bad. Different is just...different. Something meant to be explored and dug into like a new book pulled off a shelf. I am ready to live life again as I continue healing. I am learning to listen to the ebbs and flows within my body even more, so that I can appreciate my days more fully. I am (re)connecting with friends who didn't know the extent of my time spent clawing at the surface of my pain trying to find a way out, or just appreciating being able to be present in their lives and our conversations once again. I am fully immersing myself into my magickal practice again, not only "low spoon" (chronic illness term for low energy) spells and feeling more divinely connected than I have for some time. I feel as though I am Alice, who was in a liminal state in her life long before even having ventured into the new one in Wonderland (being forced to give up her inner child and girlhood), standing in front of the mystic caterpillar who is asking her, "WHOOO AAAARE YOUUUU" I don't know dear caterpillar, but I am excited to find out!